10 Easy Ways To Spend All Of Your Money
1. Drink A Lot of Alcohol!
Are you just a bore without a drink in your hand? Need to take the edge off after a long day of Olivia Poping your way to the top? Love having a good time with your friends? DRINK ALCOHOL!!! It really gets the night going. Never look at your tab. Hell, get tipsy and buy the bar a round then relocate to your favorite diner to ease your drunk munchies. By the end of the night your debit card will be as worn out as your best friend after prom. From dancing, pervs.
Eat! You definitely deserve to go to brunch and have bottomless mimosas. Need a night in? Don’t worry, there’s delivery! Get all of your groceries in the organic section at Whole Foods. Definitely do the juice cleanse. Ground up grass only costs ten dollars! You’re worth it, kid.
3. Date People!!!
Take people out on dates. A lot of people. That’s how you know what kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with, or maybe you’re just REALLY into one night stands. Either way, BUY THEM THINGS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU GET PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU, RIGHT?!
4. Get A Gym Membership!!!!
Throw your cash away on a gym membership that you barely use, but be super proud of the $100 key chain pass you tote around. Or be the person who gets an awesome body from the membership you take advantage of. Either way, I resent you.
5. Pay Your Rent!!!!!
Give most of your money toward an apartment that you will never own. Realize that your paycheck is going straight into a company’s pocket that doesn’t really care about your existence and has overpriced the apartment for personal gain. Get a weird roommate who hints at watching you sleep and has walked in on your having sex. Enjoy!
6. Spend Money On Your Appearance!!!!!!
Honestly, you probably need to.
7. Pay Off Your Student Loans!!!!!!!
Definitely go to the most expensive school, get a bachelor’s in Fine Arts, and crawl into the darkest corner of your apartment as soon as you get your first letter from Sally Mae. The worst part about student loans is that most of them aren’t forgiven even if you die. SALLY MAE WILL FIND YOU IN DEATH. Also having half of your paycheck disappear every month blows.
8.Have A Wedding!!!!!!!!
Find the man or woman of your dreams. Plan a wedding. Spend all of your money to prove how much you both love each other. Be stubborn and insist on the best planner, and cake, and band. Have fireworks. You’ll learn for your next one, don’t worry. City Hall will never look so good.
9. Quit Your Day Job To Live Your Dream!!!!!!!!!
Do you have a screenplay you can’t wait to shoot? A vision for a charter school for kids who feel just as out of place as you did in high school? Want to be the next president? Don’t wait! Spend your entire savings. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? NONE OF THIS IS REAL.
10. Be An Artist!!!!!!!!!!
Be really in touch with your feelings. Think of money as a state of currency that is outdated, constricting, and not suitable for the society in which you would like to be a part of. Hold on to these truths. You may begin to like money eventually, you know, once you’re making it. HOLD ON! Ps. What are taxes?