With shallow communication at our fingertips, we have developed ways to transfer exactly what we mean without ever really saying exactly what we mean. In many physiological circles, this person is labeled as an asshole. When typed into google, the only place to find concrete information, an asshole is defined as being an irritating or contemptible person.
Many of us will be plagued with this disease at some point in our lives. Lucky for you, I, a qualified individual who wants to help, have developed a very scientific test to determine whether or not you are guilty of such behavior. Please answer the following yes or no questions truthfully. If you answer any of them out of integrity, you will automatically be deemed an asshole. I’ll know. I am not only a scientist, I am also telepathic. I am very gifted.
Have you ever:
- Posted a Facebook status about how you are “so over it” or “just can’t anymore”?
- Instagramed, Facebooked, or Tweeted dramatic song lyrics?
- Tweeted something passive aggressively with the knowledge that the person you want to see it will?
- Started typing on your iPhone and then erased it just to screw with the person you’re texting?
- Communicated your feelings through song, poem, essay, script, Facebook note, Tweet, Tumblr post, etc without also communicating the message directly to the person?
- Lied about your phone being on silent?
- Gotten a “new phone” because you didn’t find this person worthy of being transferred into the phone you purchased months ago?
- Humble bragged? You know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, I’m sorry, but I really don’t have any time to explain because I’m super busy writing all of these other articles and scripts. I’m so in demand right now and it’s really stressing me out.
- Said “I love you” but didn’t mean it?
- Broken up with someone on a device that requires you to type instead of talk or make eye contact?
- Gotten mad at the person you are seeing for not getting mad at you after you flirted with someone else for the entire night?
- Read someone’s emails or Facebook messages because “It was just open, right there, in front of me! It was practically begging me to read it,” and didn’t like what you found?
- Tried to have a serious conversation with someone when they are drunk and just want to make out?
- Told someone “I like you, it’s just not the right time?
BECAUSE WHEN WILL IT BE THE RIGHT TIME AND IS IT THE RIGHT TIME NOW BECAUSE 30 SECONDS HAVE GONE BY AND I STILL FIND MYSELF LIKING YOUR STUPID FACE…
- Joked about proposing, marriage, babies, or a future together when you didn’t anticipate one?
- Given someone who clearly loves you a gift that you were going to give your ex-girlfriend while making sure that she knows that this is a gift that you were going to give your ex-girlfriend?
- Posted the music video to “Since You’ve Been Gone” a week after a break up?
- Told an ex that you’re just so grateful you’ve finally found a “real woman”?
- Sent someone “I miss you” with no intention of following up? YOU KNOW THOSE MESSAGES HANG IN THE OZONE FOREVER CAUSING POLLUTION AND ANXIETY, RIGHT?!
- Written a quiz article about whether or not people are assholes?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations, welcome to the club!
Now go kiss a baby, tell your mother you love her, and give a compliment to a stranger with the hopes that they’ll compliment you back.
– A fellow asshole